Why I Missed A Post

2008 February 8

I’ve been thinking about writing a post about suicide. Of course, that’s all that I’ve done with it–think about it. Obviously, I have not yet made the post.

But, that’s the way that it is with depression. You get an idea. It seems possible. It is possible. But you just can’t seem to get the motivation to actually do anything about it. It’s that sense of dread. I’m sure that reading this is very frustrating to most people. It sounds whiny. “What’s the big fucking deal?” you want to ask. “Just get on with it!!!” You want to scream. Exactly.

For myself, I don’t know how to explain it. I can talk about the sense of dread. That I don’t want to begin because … well, because … well, I can’t explain why, I just don’t. I can say that something else always comes up. That I sit down to write, but that I get distracted by something more important. Or, usually, I get distracted by something less important. But, at the end of the day, nothing gets written.

And then I go to bed feeling like a failure. How could I not bang out a few hundred words on suicide, since I spend all day thinking about it? Actually, I’m hoping that medication will soon start working. Have I talked about that yet?

I think I did, and I made a horrible mistake a couple of months ago. The situation was this: I had L-Methylfolate prescribed for me, on top of an SNRI (Duloxetine,I think–for some reason I’ve decided not to use brand names, and I know the brand name, but I’m too lazy to go look up the generic name right now) and a form of Valproic Acid (a mood stabilizer). So, the L-Methylfolate worked a treat, but I was just given a 4 week sample by the Doc. So, after 4 weeks, I send the prescription off to the mail-order pharmacy that I must use due to my insurance (the bastards). Then, they took a while deciding whether they were going to fill the prescription, and then, after they told me that L-Methylfolate is not covered by insurance and that they were not going to fill it, they took about another month sending the prescription back to me. So, did I do the rational thing, call the Doc, ask for more samples? No.

What I did was, after the L-Methylfolate wore off, I started thinking that not having it wasn’t so bad, after all. The bigger problem, I decided, was having everything working and feeling great, and then, all of a sudden, something starts not working, and I feel absolutely horrible. So, I thought, if I feel pretty good–not great, but pretty good–all of the time, isn’t that better than the up and down? Well, of course it would be. Except. Except that I don’t feel pretty good all of the time. Without the L-Methylfolate, I still have ups and downs, but it’s at a reduced level. In other words, the “Up” is about 75% of the best “Up,” and the “Down” is about 75% of the “Down” with L-Methylfolate. If that makes sense.

But, of course, once you start not feeling so good, it’s too late, and you’re not thinking rationally anymore, so you just don’t give a crap, so why bother? So, even after getting the prescription back, I decided just to hang onto it, because, well, who needs it?

So, anyway, I finally got well enough to see that I had made a big mistake, and I got the L-Methylfolate filled, and started taking it last Friday. It should take about a week or two for its effects to really kick in. I’m a week into it, and I’m not feeling anything yet. And, of course, I’m kicking myself everyday for ever getting off the stuff, because if I had just kept on it, I might have been feeling good these last 10 weeks, or whatever it’s been. But, I’ve felt pretty much like crap, and, of course, now I’m also starting to wonder if it actually will kick in. Maybe it was just a placebo, and if I don’t believe, nothing will happen.

Well, now I’m just watching my life slip past, week by week, and not doing all the things that I’ve wanted to do, or that I know that I should be doing if I felt better. Anyway, that’s enough for now. I’m sure that you can’t take any more of this. Neither can I.

So, this Sunday I’m kind of hoping to discuss suicide, and, also, at some point in the future I’d like to get into whether or not I should feel that my life has been a waste up to this points (there are some big issues on both sides), and I want to re-do that green block at the top of the blog, because that’s what WordPress gave me as a default, and I really don’t like it, but I haven’t gotten enough motivation yet to change it.


2 Responses to “Why I Missed A Post”

  1. Rob N. said

    Depression is a thief. It’s stolen lots of years from me. Damn.


  2. Sounds like a pretty familiar pattern. You think about doing something, you plan it out to the last detail, and you’re sure it will be a towering work of staggering genius, and everyone will respect you and all your problems will vanish. Then you never go through with it, and you spend hours, days or weeks ripping yourself apart about it, or, if you get started on it at all, you agonize over how far you’ve fallen from the mark.

    I don’t know, maybe if you just try to do one piece of it, you’d feel better. Then you can come back to it later and do some more.

    At least, that’s how it is for me. I could be totally off the mark.

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